dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
