so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
