That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
