my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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