I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
