I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
