apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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