apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
