im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i've created a new STD.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
