i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
