There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
