I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
