when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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