please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize