Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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