please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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