She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
