i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
