at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize