Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
