found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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