hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
