You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
