That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
