I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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