What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
