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I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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