Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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