My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
