Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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