we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
