3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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