this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
All the doctor said was why
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
