you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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