Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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