I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
this boner is exhausting
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
