If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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