why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
