Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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