I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize