I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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