You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
