He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
