You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
