it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
