i just wanna soil my oats bro
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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