your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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