Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
