If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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