We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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