Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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