sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
