I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
