Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
