I just made out with a guy for $7.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
