I just saw a hot homeless man
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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