I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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