You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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