Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
