I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
