at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
