I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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