But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
