He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
