you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
