WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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