Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize