Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
