I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
