it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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