Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
