does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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