I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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