wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
