I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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